April Fools' Day Message.

For the past century and a quarter, since H.G. Welles wrote his opus "The Time Machine," people have wondered whether time travel is actually possible, and if so, whether traveling to the past is possible or just the future. And after Christine Jorgenson had her sex change and the public was informed of how sex change operations really work, there has been the question of whether it is possible for sex change operations to be totally effective (i.e. whether it was possible to make a male into a genotypic female). Well, in my spare time I have been working on both problems for my master plan, and in the past week, I think I figured out the problems that would make both time travel and fully-functional sex change operations possible. How will they work, you ask? Well, I'm not telling you, but I have decided to explain why I was working on the two problems: I would have my sex changed, and then, I would use the time machine to go back into time to the 1980s, and I would create a time paradox by becoming MY OWN MOTHER! Why? Dammit, if people can accept that Russia would start a nuclear war with Israel without provocation, only for God to render their entire nuclear arsenal useless, all without sparking any debate about miracles, do I really have to explain why I would want to carry out so insane a plan? And I suppose you have to ask, did you really expect to succeed in this plan? And I say unto ye, I did it 35 minutes ago.

Issue 151

News: Licensed Parenthood.
Honestly, the more I hear about child abuse in the media, the more I think that it should be mandatory for anybody who wants to raise a child to have a license to do so. Here is a plan that I have for this: SImply, any couple, or single parent who wants to adopt or raise a child would have to take a test to see how fit they are to raise a child, and if they fail to pass muster, they wouldn't be allowed to raise children. If they do, in fact, have a child, despite having failed the parenthood test the last time they took it, what would happen to the child is simply this: it would be given to a couple who has passed the test. There would likely need to be no penalties for the parents (maybe a "slap on the wrist" fine), but I think that having a child taken away because of their negligence would likely be enough. Indeed, the way I see it, everybody would win. Potentially abusive parents would not have children, so the children benefit, and, in addition, as a result of this, domestic adoption businesses would have much more business and likely be much more solvent than they have in decades.

Band Name of the Day: The The Orchestra. See Below.

Film Idea of the Day: Untitled. The plot: two stoners discover that their dealer has discovered a new strain of Marijuana that is so rare that they have to get it from a time vortex from the 1930s (anybody who's seen Reefer Madness and compared the effects of marijuana there with a later film should notice the joke.) Once there, they end up having adventures in Hollywood trying to find it, while being followed by another set of time travellers; the world's largest rock band, a 30-some piece band called "THe The Orchestra."

Film review of the Day: Walker. In keeping with my increasing interest in the latter-day western, I recently rented this movie. It was supposedly so poorly recieved that not only has it not received much of a home video release since its original release 20 years ago, but it actually got the director "Blacklisted" from Hollywood productions. Of course, in hindsight, even though I was not as immersed on the Nicaraguan Civil War that this movie was indirectly commenting upon as the original audience would have been, I actually found this movie to be very interesting. I suppose my background in Brechtian technique actually helped me, especially with its increasingly obvious anachronisms. I would reccomend that anybody who watches this movie not only get some information on America's involvement with the Contras (for background on the allegory), and read Brecht's Mother Courage (for the technique).

Quote of the Day: "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less."
________Lewis Carroll

Issue 103

News: The Preteenth Floor Elevators.
After the success of the revival of bands such as ABBA and Devo with the A-Teens and DEV2.0, there is word brewing on crmanufacturing yet another tribute band of another semi-obscure band: The Thirteenth Floor Elevators. The Preteenth Floor elevators, as they will be called (with a none-too subtle nod to their primary audience, preteens too young to realize how bastardized these songs have been from their original versions), will be composed of five preteens, most of whom will pretend to play their instruments (guitar, bass, drums, and jug), and occasionally sing (primarily provided by a blond teenaged girl costar of a sitcom which shall remain nameless in this article, being as far removed from Roky Erickson as humanly possible). The actual instruments will be provided by session musicians, most of whom shall remain nameless, and some of whom include members of the original band who have neither died nor gone completely insane. When asked why such an outfit was ever manufactured for this purpose, St. Pancreas Records chair H.L. Allen said "I used to love the Elevators as a kid, and I just want other kids to have the opprotunity to enjoy their music, too." When asked why they couldn't just listen to the actual band, Allen fell silent only to say "This interview is over." Their first album, The Teenyboppin Sounds of the Preteenth Floor Elevators is due for a release sometime in the middle of next year.

Band Name of the Day: The Preteenth Floor Elevators. Go Ahead. Spread the above story. Make me an internet celebrity. Keep spreading the story.

Film Idea of the Day: Ceremonies of the Horsemen. At the 10-year reunion of a high school, a man finds himself torn between his fiancee, a popular girl whom he lusted after in years past, and her neurotic best friend who lusted after him around the same time.

Film Review of the Day: The History of the World Part 1. The last Mel Brooks movie that I have ever seen (since I have seen every other film he's done at some point or another by this point), it is certainly very good. It is by no means one of his best films, especially in comparison with something like Blazing Saddles or Spaceballs, but it's still good.

Quote of the Day: "If I got a paper cut, that’s a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy."
___Mel Brooks

Link of the Day: An index of creationist claims.

Issue 37

NEWS:
US CONGRESS TO CHANGE THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE?
Tue 25 April 2006, 5:39 am ET

by Th. Person M. Huston

WASHINGTON (REUTERS)- There is a new bill making its way through congress which could, If passed, change the entire second half of the Pledge of allegiance. The author of the bill is Sen. Red Ling Saj (I-MA). Saj refused to comment, but a source close to her claimed that Saj "Wanted to show some truths to our children they need to know." Whether or not the changes support or are against what the changes to the pledge the source declined to say. If Passed, The revised Pledge of allegiance would read: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, two nations, one under JEE-ZUS!, and the other under science, clearly divided, with liberty and justice for a select few." Any and all congresspersons asked about this bill declined to speak of it.

Band Name: Savior God Scientific Allah. A name of a young boy who became famous recently after jumping out of a window, although with his name, I am surprised he wasn't well known sooner.

FILM IDEA: Tabula Rusum: Anything and Everything. This film is the story of a man in twelve parts, who walks into a city without any past, and commiting antisocial acts while trying to remember his past. This film has been compared with the Bourne Identity to those who already know, although Tabula Rusum primarily concentrates on the former.

Film review: Trading Mom. Famous for having Andre the Giant's last film appearance, this surprisingly funny film shows three children trading in their mom for three replacements, all played by the same woman (Spacey Spacek), while fighting off a Rooney-like principal who wants them put on foster care when he thinks that the children live alone. Andre plays both a circus giant and the youngest child.

Quote: "Hi, I'm Wilfred Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?"
________Wilford Brimley, Family guy presents: Stewie Griffin: The untold Story."

Link of the Day: A wiki for Niel Cicierega focusing on his musical career.