Issue 103

News: The Preteenth Floor Elevators.
After the success of the revival of bands such as ABBA and Devo with the A-Teens and DEV2.0, there is word brewing on crmanufacturing yet another tribute band of another semi-obscure band: The Thirteenth Floor Elevators. The Preteenth Floor elevators, as they will be called (with a none-too subtle nod to their primary audience, preteens too young to realize how bastardized these songs have been from their original versions), will be composed of five preteens, most of whom will pretend to play their instruments (guitar, bass, drums, and jug), and occasionally sing (primarily provided by a blond teenaged girl costar of a sitcom which shall remain nameless in this article, being as far removed from Roky Erickson as humanly possible). The actual instruments will be provided by session musicians, most of whom shall remain nameless, and some of whom include members of the original band who have neither died nor gone completely insane. When asked why such an outfit was ever manufactured for this purpose, St. Pancreas Records chair H.L. Allen said "I used to love the Elevators as a kid, and I just want other kids to have the opprotunity to enjoy their music, too." When asked why they couldn't just listen to the actual band, Allen fell silent only to say "This interview is over." Their first album, The Teenyboppin Sounds of the Preteenth Floor Elevators is due for a release sometime in the middle of next year.

Band Name of the Day: The Preteenth Floor Elevators. Go Ahead. Spread the above story. Make me an internet celebrity. Keep spreading the story.

Film Idea of the Day: Ceremonies of the Horsemen. At the 10-year reunion of a high school, a man finds himself torn between his fiancee, a popular girl whom he lusted after in years past, and her neurotic best friend who lusted after him around the same time.

Film Review of the Day: The History of the World Part 1. The last Mel Brooks movie that I have ever seen (since I have seen every other film he's done at some point or another by this point), it is certainly very good. It is by no means one of his best films, especially in comparison with something like Blazing Saddles or Spaceballs, but it's still good.

Quote of the Day: "If I got a paper cut, that’s a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy."
___Mel Brooks

Link of the Day: An index of creationist claims.

Issue 102

News: The Rapture?
If you've heard about the Left Behind series, read Chick Tracts like I do, or even seen the one episode of The Simpsons that parodied it, you know all about the Rapture. Apparently, at some point in time (sort of nowish, if you want to be specific), all Christians (or at least belonging to the same particular brand of Christianity that the speaker believes in) will be taken by God into Heaven, presumably leaving Europe a world superpower and America virtually depopulated because the fundamentalists live in some fantasy world wherein America is, in fact, a "Christian Nation", whatever that means, and Europe is a bunch of Godless heathens because they teach evolution in schools freely without being subject to what they percieve as God's wrath (no joke, many fundamentalists claim that rises in bad things in America since the Bible was taken out of schools, despite the fact that these things are not happening in Europe). One particularly notable thing about this idea is that while it is accepted as truth in most evangelical circles, this has virtually no backing in the Bible. Indeed, the few Bible verses cited as "proof" for this idea have a tangential, at best, relation with the idea of the Rapture we have now, if you believe in that sort of thing (which I am not inclined to do). The idea, in fact dates all the way back to the 1800s. Indeed, since the 1970s, there has been a "RApture Industry" for those people who decided to make up the least believable story about what will happen when God finally snatches up the Christians and leaves the world to the "Heathens" in Europe, including the claims of Hal Lindsey, who said that the Russia would eventually take over Israel. What Russia would want with the only part of the Middle East not rich in oil I have no idea. As well, there was one pamphlet which claimed that it would occur on Rosh Hoshana 1988. As you can see, this hasn't happened. The fact is, as much as it looks like the world couldn't get worse, and that the End is, in fact near, the sun always rises, and what things get worse will often cease, eventually.

Band NAme of the Day: Spanish Flu. It brings to mind the aphrodisiac/Eddie Van Halen instrumental and the pandemic I will mention in my film idea.

Film Idea of the Day: It will be a remake of Bergman's The Seventh Seal updated to a soldier returning from WW1 to find out his fellow countrymen, and possibly himself, are dying of the Spanish Flu. He chooses to play a game of chess with the Grim Reaper. After being spit upon by an infected preacher, he loses.

Film Review of the Day: The Deer Hunter. This movie is rapidly becoming my favorite movie, and may even displace A Clockwork Orange. As shocking as it is, it is justified due to the fact that the Vietnam War had a shocking effect on those who fought it, particularly on people like Nick and Mike (Walken and DeNiro's characters in the movie), and shows us what inhumanity man is capable of committing.

Quote of the Day: "Blind faith is all we have to go on. Aliens, now there's something that might just be possible. Everlasting life and big demons with red-hot pokers, I don't think so."
__________Bishop O'Neill, Father Ted.

Link of the day: My New Favorite Timewaster

Issue 101

News: Christianity is not a religion: Film at 11. Or Not.
Earlier in the week, Halloween happened. This meant that I'd reread selected Chick Tracts. One of those tracts was What's wrong with this picture? Upon rereading the tract I realized how much Jack seemed to be undermining all his work over the past half-century. Naturally there was some special pleading for Christianity. His argument for leaving his brand of Christianity alone was that it, in fact, was not a religion, but a "living relationship with Jesus". The next day, I read one of his newly released tracts and a similar claim was made. I decided to investigate his claim. As it turns out, the idea that Christianity is not a religion is a more common one than I thought, but seemed to be almost entirely confined to Evangelicals. Their claim wasn't entirely on the level, as it depended on a redefinition of religion, which they took to mean "anything which keeps one from getting eternal life in Jesus Christ". Curiously, Answers.com has several definitions, virtually all of them being covered by the definition "An ideology built around the worship of a deity." Clearly, mainstream science isn't the only mainstream source seen as a threat to their belief system. Now they're targeting Webster's. Since when did the Religious Right become PeTA?

Band Name of the Day: The Curse of Cain, from a fictional novel within a novel I'm writing.

Film Idea of the Day: To Myself and Others. A novel in short stories which I have already begun to write. A college-aged novelist has to put up with his idiotic roommates: His Highness Herb, King of all Stoners, and obnoxious pansexual dwarfboy Duke.

Film Review of the Day: The Usual Suspects. Who is Keyser Soze? This film attempts to answer this question, through the eyes of a man with cerebral palsy who may or may not be Soze. This film gets big points from me if only for the fact that my hometown of Skokie is mentioned twice in the movie.

Quote of the Day: "I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they're always being perverty when I'm around."
___________Holden Caulfield.

Link of the Day: None this week.

Tract Reviews: Where Did They Go? Jack talks about the Rapture.
Unforgiven. The first original Black Tract, a man gets into prison and becomes a muslim. His grandma decides to deconvert him, and fails. He gets burned into a pit of fire. Featuring Jack's most bizarre claim yet: "Muhammad was a Cracka!"