Issue 17

News: A lot has happened. I might as well put up a list of People I hate.
ENEMY LIST:
Mia Farrow- For Accusing Woody Allen of being a child molestor.
Orlando BLoom- For having every single thing he touches turn to crap.
The Conservative majority of pundits claiming that the media is too left-wing.
Bush's Cronies- But not Bush, for reasons I will explain below.
The Religious Right- I have a special reason for this, too. I was in an extremely right-wing school where I was teased mercilessly until my mind got this cynical.
Nixon- The Fact that he is dead does not change the fact that he was the worst president until Bush Jr.
Harry Chapin- For composing the most depressing corpus of music known to man.

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR:
George W. Bush- I did not include him because I believe he is too stupid to actually be the one orchestrating the decisions made in his career.
Jack T. Chick- Like the Religious right, but I included him on the CBNC list because his tracts are so wildly inaccurate, they are hilarious.

Band Name of the Day: Wicked Lizard. At one point in the Reduced Shakespeare Company's version of the bible, one man tells how God thinks about how Satan was a Wicked Lizard, and that Wicked Lizard would be a good name for a Metal band.

Film idea of the day: It is a TV series about a cynical teenager adopted by a 4-parent bizarrely PC family with children of several different races. The episodes primarily revolve around the family trying to make him a complacent and PC boy and failing miserably. One episode, (an hour long special) includes the family forcing him to undergo Cocaine rehab. The only problem, is that the closest thing he's ever done to drugs is toast a poppy-seed bagel.

Review of the Day: Stop Making Sense. I recently watched this film, and was blown away, and it now takes my vote as the greatest concert film ever because of the fact that the focus is almost exclusively on the band, leaving me more time to focus on the instruments the guitarists are using, as well as the fact that the music is also excellent.
True Stories- David Byrne directs, writes, composes, and stars in this film about a reporter covering the sesquicentennial of Texas. Seeing how little we have of the film's soundtrack (it is great), I wish the incidental music, the Talking Heads' covers, and the songs as performed in the movie were in the same package.

Quote of the Day: "The Christian Right is neither Christian Nor Right"
______________The Reduced Shakespeare Company, in the Complete Word of God (Abridged)

Link of the Day: http://www.skokienet.org/teens/teenstalking/derekspeaks/

Chick Tract Review: In this section, for the next few issues, I will be reviewing the Aforementioned Chick Tracts, but not only am i taking it with a grain of salt, I am pouring the skaker on each tract. A-B today.

The Accident- When an Aristocrat's carpet is stained, his butler decides to talk about how Jesus Removes the stain of sin.

Allah had no Son- A man and his son walk in on a group of Muslims praying, and deconstruct their faith in front of them, including mentioning dubious evidence of Allah existing before the 7th Century AD.

Angels- While Satan reveals that all kinds of music were created by him, A Christian Rock Band sells their souls to the devil and all the members die one by one until the singer reads, of all things, A Chick Tract about the same thing, and the Devil is defeated.

Apes, Lies, and Miss Henn- A little girl named Li'l Susy debunks evolution, because of the pre-existing and contradictory 2 consecutive creation stories in Genesis don't mention evolution.

Are Roman Catholics Christians?- Jack says no, I say anybody who claims to be Christian is one, except for Fred Phelps.

The Assignment- Angels in Heaven are doing a play-by-play of a dying man's last minutes.

The Attack- Chick explains how The King James Bible is superior to all other versions, including the original Hebrew and Greek Texts.

Baby Talk- A woman is convinced to not get an abortion. I cannot Wait to see Baby Talk II, in which Ashley realizes what a living Hell the baby made her life into, even though Chick probably scrapped it because it was too much like David Lynch's Eraserhead.

Back From the dead- A man comes back from the dead and claims to have seen Hell. This answers up an important question: If we accept the stories of Men who came back to life from Death as fact, then should Gene Ray's time cube be explained in school?

Bad Bob!- A huge drug Dealer survives a prison fire and turns to Christ.

The Beast- Satanism is devouring the world, or so Chick thinks.

Best Friend- A little girl, not the one mentioned Earlier, tells her best Friend on how to get another best friend: Jesus.

Bewitched- It talks about how Satan tries to balance making the life of a 15-year old stoned girl, and reruns of his favorite show, of the same name as the title.

Big Daddy- Another anti-evolution tract riddled with information with no real proof.

Big Deal- #5 in the Bible Tract Series, Bob Williams (the main character) teaches a friend's brother about the story of Jacob.

Big Spender- A man wins a gamble, almost loses his life and completely loses his money. He learns the story of the prodigal son.

The Birds and Bees- Li'l Susy is Baaack and debunks why Gays are not evil, according to an old outdated law book.

Boo!- Teens learn the Truth about Halloween: That it is the night in which Satan worshippers andf Druids stalk the Earth to kill random people.

The Brat- An illustration of the Prodigal Son Parable.

Burn Baby Burn- Schadrach, Meschach, and Abendago. Not much else.

Busted!- The assistant to a prosecutor tells him that he is living in sin, and the prosecutor dies as his secretary converts.

The Bull- A bulky convict is put in solitaty and is saved by Reading a Chick Tract.